The Thing About Dreams...

When I was younger my Mom worked at City Hall. To me it was a big deal. It truly was one of the most grand, important buildings in our city.

It's a massive stone building with tall ceilings, grand staircases, massive wooden doors, and embellished casings all with a steepled, clock tower on the front of the building. There's so much history and workmanship there.

Aside from the pomp and circumstance that went on in my mind, the meaning I gave it at the time, was that if you worked at City Hall, you made it... you "made it to the top."

It was then, in my young mind, a decision was made.
If I was to ever "make it," I would have a job there.

As I got older and started making my own decisions, one thing remained consistent...if there were a choice of two paths, one being the easy way and one being the hardest road possible...hands down, i would always end up saying,
"let me take the hard road, please."🤣🤫

There were times in my life that I couldn't even imagine that there was a chance for me to work there or at a job as important as that. As time went on, I kind of forgot that I had this idea in my head and motored on with my life.

Flash forward to this past week, as I was getting ready to teach a workshop to the employees that work for the city, it just so happened that the location was in the Mayor's Reception Room...right there, on the top floor of City Hall👊

As I pulled up, parked my car and looked way up the side of the massive building, the little kid inside of me felt like I had made it. 🙌🔥

Except now, I was working there on my terms.

And as i thought about it after, here are a few things i forgot to remember about dreams that you may consider for yourself:

⭐️Sometimes we have an idea or expectation attached to the where, when or how things will happen in our life. Almost always, those ideas or expectations rarely pan out or they turn out to be totally different...stay flexible and keep moving forward...sometimes the totally different is even better than what you imagined in the first place.

⭐️I've learned that it doesn't matter what path you take, you need to do it on your own terms and what matters more is, what you do with what you've learned.
YOUR way is what's best for you and sometimes you need all the lessons you learned along the way to take you where you are going.
(even when you learn them on the hardest path possible😁)

⭐️You define when you "make it" somewhere. That's an internal thing....not when you make it to a certain milestone. It's a mindset thing, not a destination. I made it where I needed to be long ago and i've made it many times over again....this experience was the icing on the cake and a privilege, our city has some pretty awesome people that work behind the scenes. It's been awesome to work with several groups along the way...each person just gets better and better.

I think sometimes on the path to a goal or dream we forget to remember all the stuff in between. We get caught up in staying focused on where we are going and forget about the journey it took to get there, who we've become because of it and the fact that sometimes, its not even about achieving something, but rather, learning to be proud of who you've become because of the process.

When we pause long enough to remember these things, that's when we'll realize that we've made it, in our own special way.❤️

Find Magic in the Moment

While walking in the mall the other day with my grand daughter dressed up in her “pwincess” costume, she was curiously stopping at each window to check out what was going on. She stopped at this one window with some fancy mannequins and stayed for quite a while. She was enthralled.

There was such a contrast between how tiny she was and how big they seemed.

How fancy they were and how fancy she was (of course she was, she’s a princess…hahaha)

But it had me thinking about the “little me” and big dreams.

When i was little i couldn't wait to grow up.
I just wanted to be grown up. In every way.
I was always in such a rush for the next thing, looking ahead and wishing i was somewhere else or for something "better".

My Mom would say, Caryl....slow down...what’s your rush?

I couldn't wait to stay out later.
I couldn't wait to drive.
I couldn't wait for school to be over.
I couldn't wait until to get a job.
I couldn't wait to do whatever i wanted.

Then...

I couldn't wait for my check.
I couldn't wait until i paid this bill, so i could have more money.
I couldn't wait until i paid off this debt, so i could get a bigger house.
I couldn't wait to be married.
I couldn't wait to have more kids.
I couldn't wait until my kids learned or did the next thing.
I couldn't wait until my kids got through the stage i thought was really hard...(if i had only known then those were the easy stages...hahaha)
And so on and so on....

All this looking ahead, had me missing the present moment.
I was missing the magic of all that was right, because i had my eyes on something else.

Thankfully with time and lessons learned, i have slowed down enough to see and feel both sides of this….in doing so it has helped me to value people, places and things so much more, but has also allowed me the awareness needed to slow my roll and enjoy what’s right in front of me in a deeper, more gratifying way.

If there's a part of you that's worrying, lost or looking way ahead, know this....

Dreams and visions, are good and critical....but remember to find joy in pausing long enough to know that there are good things right now too.

Trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that you're fancy just the way you are.

Girl, that is owning your queenship.

Go Find Yourself and Play

I always find myself with mixed feelings that need sorted out right before every new year.

Every Year. Same Thing.

A couple of days before New Year's Eve, i was getting antsy and knew i needed an adventure....nothing big, but something that was enough to get me out of my head and into my heart.

My intent was to head to Maine, but i found myself pulling off to Salisbury....which i never, ever do.

Don't know why, didn't question it, but it felt funny to travel the old familiar road that leads you to the center, where all things have changed, but the core has stayed the same.

I'll have to admit, i was pretty raw and much of what i was feeling was being reflected back to me as i walked the shoreline.

As i watched the ocean, i felt like most of the year i had been walking in the space between stillness and crashing momentum...learning to go with the flow and when to move my ass or the next wave is gonna take me down...lol...It was the exact time and space i needed to shift the perspective of where I've been, but not feel the pressure to figure out where I'm going.

As freezing cold as it was, the contrast of colors between the sky, the ocean and the earth were pretty incredible that day.

As i wandered around and off the beach to leave, there were remnants of Christmas were still blowing in the breeze on the boardwalk...i found a couple of businesses that stay open year round....woot woot for beach pizza...lol...so damn good :)

While waiting, i found my way into the arcade that was has been there forever and a day...it felt so good to get lost in Ms. PacMan for a bit...it has been years since i stopped in an arcade and just played without thinking about time or worrying about where and what everyone else is doing.

All of this has me thinking that, sometimes, i think we don't need to stay steadfast to where we are going all the time.

It's okay to veer from the path from time to time to take in different scenery. There's a part of you that needs to just take a break and play for a bit.

I think we get so caught up and focused on needing to know the why's and how's and stay caught in the rhythmic momentum of our lives that we forget what it feels like to explore and play in places that are old, but now new....familiar yet, unknown.

I find that when we go back to those places, the old that is now new, it can bring us face to face with what's old and new within us as well....the core...if we are looking for it, know what i mean?

Wander off your path for a bit, find the places that are old but new that are around you....it may just lead you to new understandings and experiences that you may not have felt had you stayed the course.

Are You Running the Long Game or the Short Game?

We are a couple of weeks into the new year and the things we promised to do for ourselves are now starting to collide with our everyday lives and routines.

Maybe we're still feeling good from the new beginnings and some momentum being built....but will it last?

I know for myself, as much as i have a desire to change all the things, the mess from last year is still here. The physical and emotional muck, my crazy, busy life, thats still there too.

It didn't go away.

This has me thinking about how i want to set myself up for the rest of this year...am i in it for the long haul or is this going to be a short run game (again)?

Am i willing to do what it takes to change the habits that are holding me back? (trust me, theres plenty) Am i willing to explore new ways to shift from the space that i have become familiar and comfortable within?

Or will i just try to muscle my way through this, doing the same things I've always done... using hope as the ultimate plan? Which allllways leads me right back to where I was.

Playing the long game says I'm going to learn the tools and strategies needed to crush what I've imagined, dreamed of and created for yourself, EVEN WHEN IT GETS HARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

Short game says i'll do the surface stuff, i'll give it a try and when i start to feel uncomfortable, or it's inconvenient, I'll back down.

Long game says I'm going to show up for me, even when its really hard, I'm feeling overwhelmed, its cold AF outside, its early and still dark out, my head hurts, i have an ass ache, I'm hungry and didn't plan or pack my food, the kids need me, my business/work is hopping, my relationship is burning down and I'm scared as hell and don't know what the right, next, best move should be.

There will be times when that happens all at once and if you don't have a plan, then you can plan to fail, Girlfriend...sorry i didn't make this shitty rule up...lol...i don't like it either....hahaha

Great changes don't happen over night, but they sure as hell happen when you fan the desire, create momentum and have solid accountability surrounding you...sharing, guiding and helping you clear the way.

What's it gonna be for you...are you prepared to run the long game this time around?

We'll be right there by your side when you're ready, Sister.

Check out this months Heart and Soul for the support, connection and the inspiration you need for a gorgeous, fresh start to this year.

Ever Feel Like You've Gotta Get Outta Here?

Do you ever feel like, I've had enough of this shit, I'm outta here?

Yeah...me too...lol

There once was a point in my life where i would just push and push to get all the things done... for my family, where they needed to be, what they were doing, how they were cared for, while carrying all the things of others that needed handled, and all while doing the necessary things that i needed to be doing for my businesses.

I really wasn't aware of how all the pressure from the emotional labor was affecting me physically. The physical labor, sure, you can feel that....but the other stuff, no, you just do it. Until you cant any more.

I was so numb that there were no internal signals that i could feel.....until i was screaming or going nuts...hahaha....but, looking back, the signs were all there.

The procrastination, the arguing and fighting with my family, the resentment towards my spouse or others in my life, the eating on the fly, no physical movement...hell, who has time for that, I'm drowning, people...lol...

But the biggest and most painful impact was the disconnection from myself. At the end of the day, i was in a rumpled heap and too tired to care by the end of it all.

Looking back the disconnect in every area of my life was really what was wrong....disconnection from what i wanted for me, for and from my body, from my relationships, my work....all of it.

The other day after leaving the gym, i felt it again....the weight. Not the weights....but the weight of it all. Year end...holidays...tired, not body tired, but soul tired, ya know?

And i thought about the summer, and the ocean. And i felt a flicker, it was really quick, like butterflies in my belly, just for a quick moment. Then heard the whisper of we gotta get the fuck outta here.

And there you have it, it finally made its way to the surface from underneath all of life's clutter...the sign i needed...i checked my schedule, no clients in this time block, i grabbed my books (nobody says i have to do my work at my desk at home except me) and i hopped in the car and headed to the only place where the air smells like pine trees and salt water mixed together.

The weight was lifted, my shoulders had fallen from around my ears to somewhere where they belong and i reconnected with me for a few hours.

All of this is to say....can you feel it within you when your body needs a break? What are the signs/signals that your body is sending? Can you feel it?

How are you reconnecting with you?

Everything you have on your list right now isn't going anywhere. I promise.

Steal away. You don't need a lot of time to create space for you to breathe, think, feel and find you again.

I guarantee that small amount of time and space you create for yourself, will pay off in so many ways, in every area of your life, once you start showing up for you♥ <3
#DisruptTheDisconnect
#TimeBandit
#IfYouNeedMeIllBeInTheTrees
#MaineTheWayLifeShouldBe

Remember the Joy of Simple Curiosity

Theres nothing like the scroll of the camera roll that whisper sweet reminders to your heart and soul.

On this day, the little Honeypot and her Mama stopped by for a surprise visit. They popped out from behind the shed with a big smile and a hug...."Nah-Nahhhhh," she said, and came running over to me. I was out in the yard planting plants and covered in dirt up to my elbows.

As i was rinsing off, she was curious about what was happening with the hose and why Nana was playing in the water...like a bee to honey, she wanted in....like a good Nana, i handed the hose to a two year old and watched what she did with it:)

I feel like sometimes life gets so busy that we forget to remember the joy of simple curiosity. In the hustle and bustle, we forget what it feels like to see ordinary things through new eyes.

Im also finding that when life feels really hard, if we allow ourselves the time and space to explore....to just play and be...with child-like wonder, and to be fully in the moment without worrying about the consequence (trust me, she's not worried about getting dirty, soaked or her mussing up her hair...hahaha) its in those moments that we create the best memories and its also the space that we desperately need to catch our breath and get right with ourselves.

Where can you get lost in the moment and play without worrying about the consequences? What can you see with new eyes in your every day life?

Be sure to capture the moments right in front of you, people....before you know it, they'll be long gone♥

Just Keep Walking, Girl

The more I connect with and coach women, I'm finding that there's an undercurrent moving swiftly beneath the surface that sometimes we don't even recognize within ourselves.

Some would say its social media and the stare-y compare-y that goes with it...beautiful pics of beautiful lives, neat and clean...perfectly groomed children, meanwhile my kid was over here shoving crayons in their ears and breaking the tips off, true story by the way...no names will be mentioned to protect the innocent...hahaha...this didn't help my inferiority complex to say the least.

Others may suggest it's the entire self help industry urging that the be-all-end-all answer is to better ourselves....which leaves us feeling like theres always more work to do, on top of the overwhelming workload that we already have....mind you, this is the pool that i live to swim in, but at times, give pause to ease up on my pace.

Seriously, what happens when you take a look at your life and it feels like every area is a shit show...or at least an area that matters the most....how do you measure up?

How do you feel happy when it feels like things are falling apart or maybe its better to say, you're struggling to hold it all together...maybe you're struggling in your marriage, a child may be battling their own demons and you feel powerless....i could keep going here...(Ive been here too, Girlfriend)

All of this is to say...don't forget to remember...

Right here, right now, where ever you are, it's exactly where you're supposed to be. Know that you good enough right now. You are strong enough right now and you are smart enough right now.

And with all your enoughness, you will learn the lessons that are meant for you.

Somedays you're going to feel like you're walking the path barefoot where every single fucking step feels intensely painful.

And other days, even though you're in the thick of it, you'e going to look up...feel the sun on your face, the wind in your hair and the possibilities that are in front of you will be endless.

No matter where you are, just keep walking, Girl.

You are doing just fine.

You will be just fine

What if You're Meant to Go Through All of This to be Who You're Meant to Be?

Ever have someone say something that takes you to a place in time that you forgot all about?

Last week i spoke to an amazing group of people about anxiety. We talked about what it is, how it affects us, strategies to move through it and how we can use that energy that is within us for good.

After the talk, the participants had filled out their evaluations saying that what they liked most was my enthusiasm (so so humbling..i never thought of this talk that way, ever)

It took me right back to 20 years ago, when i was curled up on a therapists couch, crippled by panic attacks and anxiety and i thought...imagine if you could go sit beside that terrified girl in your leather pants with your arm around her and say...."don't worry, Girlfriend...all of this scary shit right here is going to make you super strong, resilient and so ready for all the greatness that is to come to you....you'll be enthusiastically talking about all this shit.... fear of dying, fear of being awake, fear of being alone, fear of making any move....all of it will fade away and you...you and these babies are going to be more than okay..in fact, you'll share this story to help others."

BAM!!

Never in my wildest dreams could i imagine that i would get through that, let alone talk about it.

Out Loud.

In front of other people.

I was too ashamed and busy hiding it.

So if you struggle with anxiety, panic, depression any of it....there's a part of you that can and will take you through this...just keep going...it may feel hard right now, but you can do this. Someday you too, will meet this stronger, courageous side of you. But the only way through it, is through it...trust, that they'll be there waiting for you on the other side, wearing leather pants...hahahaha...its so worth it♥

Are You Missing The Show?

Some people have asked, "What kind of maniac meditates outside in the middle of winter, at the crack of dawn?"

Everything feels and sounds different when everyone else is asleep, and the world is just about to wake up.

The arctic chill hits you the minute you open the door. As you quietly step out onto the wooden deck, the planks make sharp cracking noises under the weight of your feet, the same way ice would sound if you stepped in just the right spot. I sometimes feel like i am stealing away, even though i am in my own yard. I sometimes imagine a run, Forest, run moment for myself...hahaha

One of my favorite parts is settling in to allow all of my other senses to take over....from feeling the cold sting on my face after just getting out of a piping hot shower, to breathing in the light, crisp air that is intermingled with the scent of wood that is from someones fireplace nearby. I think that smell will always remind me of home.

The sound is silent and dense, so very different from the other seasons that have crickets singing their song all night and birds ready to greet the day, long before the sun makes her appearance.

It is in this time that i am alone. I can hear my thoughts and i can choose which ones to sit with and which ones to let go.

On this morning, a couple of days ago, when i got outside, the sky was crystal clear, with the moon right above showing only half of her face, the stars sparkled brightly and danced all around, i was drawn in to watch the show...i patiently watched for a while, captured some great shots and started my meditation.

By the time i finished, (ten minutes later) the moon was buried deep in clouds and clouds were engulfing half the sky. 
In the blink of an eye, it was like the moon hadn't even been there.

It was then that i thought to myself...in this moment.

Its in these moments, the moments where i choose to practice becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable, with grounding myself in the present moment, even if it is for just ten minutes, that i am rewarded in more ways than one. That brief moment that i spent looking into the moon and gazing at the stars, that was the only opportunity that i would have to see them on that day. Had i not been awake and present, i would've missed the show.

How often in life are we not awake and present and what are we missing because of it?

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?

*It is important to note...this experiment didn't start out with these deep thoughts in mind. It truly is my desperate attempt to break the habit of hitting the snooze...hahahaha, I'm just finding that these are just some of the gifts that you find when you step outside of your comfort zone and push the edge of whats comfortable.

Hugging you♥ 

Do What Makes You Happy

Several years ago, my mom gave me a plaque that says,

Do what makes you happy.

For years, it’s been hanging facing my bed.  Every morning when I wake up, it’s one of the first things that I see, and every night before I go to bed, it is one of the last things that I see.

Who knew that the answer that I needed would be right in front of me, right when I needed it… guess it’s true, Mom’s do know best, lol

This summer, I was struggling in several different areas of my life…things were not working out the way that I imagined they should (should being the operative word that was effing things up, btw…should usually places an expectation on things, which is typically what is creating the problem in the first place) For the life of me, I felt like I couldn’t solve each problem, and the more I tried, it seemed  the issues kept persisting.

I happened to be laying in bed one morning, trapped in a circle of thought, and noticed the plaque hanging the wall. 

Do what makes you happy.

 Do. What. Makes. You. Happy. 

There’s a concept.  That was something that I hadn’t even considered up until this point.  I was so busy trying to “fix” things, that I totally forgot about what would make me happy in any of these scenarios.  I was lost and focused on the problems.

Do what makes you happy.

 What would make me happy? 

This statement and question were the exact keys that I needed to free myself from the trap that I had created inside my head.

After taking the time to work through and get clear on what would make me happy, I was able to take it one step further and ask who else was is in this mind trap of misery with me and how can they be happy in this situation too?

Here’s what I discovered….
 

When I’d say do what makes you happy, or asked what would make me happy in this situation, I instantly shifted my focus to creating solutions, as opposed to hyper focusing on the problem. 

When I began to pay attention to solutions, more solutions appeared.  It didn’t feel like such a struggle, and I could then begin to take care of me, in the way that I needed most; which is exactly what I needed in the first place.

And then, when I began to ask and consider, do what makes you happy for others, and I mean that in a wholehearted way…not a bitchy, do whatever makes you happy, dude, kind of way (I may or may not have said or thought this before, okay, I totally have…lol…but seriously, try it…say the same sentence both ways…two very different kinds of energy going on there)

I began to take the focus off my own suffering and begin to see what another person’s experience is within the same parameters.  I could really begin to see their perspective, release my expectations and gain a better understanding of them and what their experience is; with my whole heart.

So, if you find yourself struggling with something or someone, shift your focus to what makes you happy.   While it may not change the entire scenario, it will certainly change your perspective, instantly change how you are feeling in the moment, and allow you the space needed to take care of what is most important in any given situation…taking care of you!
 

Will You Dare To Dream So Big?

It’s funny how time and space can blend when you spend so much time in the same environment.  It feels like suddenly 20 years has passed, and here you are thinking, where did time go?

I was taking a morning walk through my neighborhood recently and thinking about how many years I had lived in this area and have walked this same neighborhood.  To my estimation, I had been walking this same exact path, through these exact same streets, for 20 years.

  20 years of my life.

I had raised three children walking these streets through each stage of their lives…with skateboards being kicked near my ankles, basketballs being bounced all over the place and walking for what felt like hundreds of miles hunched over, chasing toddlers…sometimes all this going on at the same time. 

And I thought this is where it all began. 

On this day, as I was walking by this particular house, I was brought back to a time way, long ago that I had completely forgotten about.  Maybe it was just the way the light was shining on the front door of the house, but I was transported to a much simpler time, in the same place.

I was walking with my little brother.  It was a summer day and we were out “exploring."  Must’ve been little kid, city-speak for taking a walk to a small child. But that’s what we were doing…exploring.  I think we were around 10 or 11 years old.  My adult thoughts immediately thought what the hell were we doing wandering so far from home unattended?  But again, much simpler time. (sometimes I hate that I’m old enough to say this and remember a simpler time, and other times I’m grateful for such memories)

But I remember distinctly how warm the air was, and how it felt to be free…. a happy, kind of kid joy…the joy of freedom…or perhaps escaping…lol…. but none the less, here we were walking down, what in my young mind saw as a grand, posh neighborhood.  It was like we were walking where we were not supposed to be and at the same time, it was unimaginable that people lived this way.  I thought the homes were stately, the lawns perfectly manicured and everything was neat, orderly and bright. 

Our lives were vastly different than theirs, since we had only lived in apartments and were currently living in an apartment building at the time, so to see the vast difference through our little kid eyes, left us wide-eyed and dreaming.

As we walked down the middle of the street, we looked from side to side and were pointing and saying, “oh, look at this one” and “I like this one” and then I saw it.

I looked over at this house and I said, “this one is mine, that’s my door.”  Perhaps it was the double doors, or the bold statement of how big those doors looked to me at that time, but for whatever reason, that was the one.

As I passed by the house again, on this day, as I had done so many times, I could hear the echoes of our little voices from 35 years ago.  And it occurred to me that I had made it.  I had made it into this neighborhood and have been roaming around here for 20 years, now with my babies who are almost all grown and here I am, with myself, once again.

I began to think about dreams. And how things can come full circle.  And how sometimes on the journey we forget to dream or how sometimes we forget to see that dreams have been realized when we are in the grind.  The first house I bought was in this exact neighborhood and I went on to buy two more. 

I share all of this with you to say…

Don’t forget the dreams from long ago that were there before the grind.  Maybe it’s not the dream of big fancy doors, for you, maybe it’s something else; better yet, maybe it’s more important to take the time to appreciate where you’ve been and far you’ve come…we forget to remember these things, time is funny that way.

Feel some gratitude for what you’ve built and created in your life, and dare to dream for more, because these days right here, right now, may just be the days where you’ll look back and remember when you dared to dream so big.

Maybe You're Meant To Climb That Mountain Alone

I remember a time not long ago, where it felt like I was always cancelling plans or not doing the things I wanted to do, because someone in my house or everyone in my house, didn’t want to join me. 

Maybe my husband was working, too busy, or wasn’t interested in what I wanted to do or perhaps the kids didn’t want to do what I wanted to do (they’re teenagers and think everything I want to do is lame) It just seemed that whatever I wanted to do was pushed to the backburner or cancelled altogether.  This seemed to go on forever and, well, I’ve had just about enough of that.

The struggle between wanting what I want and the guilt of forcing people into doing what I want can be a bit much.  Insert picture here of me driving with a car full of mules…. yes, real live mules, not the cute ones, either…. like mean-muggin’, stubborn mule people…. that’s my family when they don’t want to be doing something.  And, then there’s the feelings of resentment from when I do push off what I want or not do it all…which can have me acting all mule-like.  It can feel like a no-win situation.

Ya just can’t make people have fun.  Actually, trying to get people to have fun is the opposite of fun.

It took me some time and lots of practice for me to realize that I am responsible for me.  If I want to have fun doing the things that I think are fun, then it’s up to me to create the time and space for ME.  Without expecting everyone to go along with or behave in the way that would please me.             

Massive lesson here.

Recently, I wanted to check out a new hiking spot.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to hike it or drive up to the top of this small mountain.  My daughter has gotten wise to asking pointed questions before getting in the car with me. 

She asked, “Are we hiking it or driving it?”  I said, “I’m not sure.”  She said, “No thanks.  I’m not climbing a mountain today.”  I’ll admit, my feelings went from pissed to hurt, because here we are again with something that I wanted to do all summer, potentially being pushed to the backburner.  I had already shoved it to the back burner, all summer long.  The time was now.  I had a decision to make.  I was done arguing about it…arguing with her, but more importantly, arguing with myself.

It wasn’t until I got to the base of the mountain, that I thought to myself, I don’t want to climb this mountain alone.  And immediately after that thought, a voice inside me said, maybe some mountains you’re meant to climb alone.

Well, damn.  I had to sit with that one for a minute. This was the exact shift I needed. 

Because I’m no dummy, I drove my ass up to the top of that little mountain and hiked the marked trails up at the very top.   It was absolutely beautiful.  It was a perfect day to see as far as the eyes could see. 

Sometimes, it’s not until we are alone that we can see the things that we need to see.  In the time that we spend alone, we can sort out struggles, ones with others and ones with ourselves.  We can create the space that we need to rest our mind, see right where we are right now and perhaps, even see right where we want to go. 

So, pay attention my friends, pay attention to the mountains that you are meant to climb alone.

Some of those mountains may just be the place you need to breathe a little easier, the air may be a bit sweeter and the world can feel like a lighter place. 

See you at the summit!

How Heavy Are Your Should's?

I’ll never forget when the physical therapist handed me the 1 pound weights and said,

 “Here, see if you can do this weight for the next two exercises.”

Are you effing kidding me? I have been working out consistently for 2 years and was just starting to play with dead lifting a few months prior....and now you want me to work out with 1 pound weights?  What the hell do you want me to do with those?

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty damn pissy about a lot of this.

Gimme those weights….and I could barely get through the first set of the first exercise…let alone two more sets. And, then the headaches that came after the workouts, because the muscles were tense, were brutal.  More ice, more rest, back to the chiropractor, more rest and then repeat the process again two days later.

This cycle went on for months

I guess I’m a slow learner, because it took that long for me to figure out that the lessons that I was here to learn had nothing to do with the baby weights and rubber bands I was throwing around, but had everything to do with the weight of the should’s that I was constantly carrying around.

“I should be better by now.”  “I should be stronger by now.” 

I should be able to lift more than one pound.”  “I should be back to my normal workouts.” 

“I shouldn’t be having these headaches.” 

“I should be able to hold my granddaughter and not have a migraine for 4 days because of it.”

The whole time I was focused on the pain and the complexity of the injuries, the anxiety of not having an end date to the constant pain I was in, the fear that all this pain and these feelings were now my new norm.  I never really considered that a huge part of the story was that I had been in two car accidents within months of each other.  I never slowed down enough to sit with the feelings that came from that, either.  (big mistake, here)

I was hung up on the 1 pound weights, until I finally moved up to the 2 pound weights and then it all came to me.

The lessons I needed to be paying attention to had nothing to do with the number on the weight.  It had everything to do with how I was showing up to move through the process.  I knew from experience that I needed to be committed to healing my body and that was not a problem, my commitment was there.  The consistency was there, this was my new job, healing…so I showed up and did the work, no problems there.

The problem was what I was focused on and what my attitude was about what I was focusing on.  I was focused more on fear than faith, I was focused more on anxiety of things not moving fast enough or in my time.  I was completely ignoring the feelings that I had behind what had happened to me.  I didn’t realize that aside from the loss of function that I had physically, there was a massive loss for what I had and who I was before the accidents.  While I wasn’t maimed or disfigured on the outside, the damage on the inside had changed my daily life.  I couldn’t do a lot of the things I enjoyed before without being in tremendous pain.  And, the only option was to lay on sheets of ice in the middle of an icy, cold New England winter to try and take the inflammation down.  Meanwhile, my brain was on fire trying to figure my way through all of this.

They say time heals all wounds, and I do believe that some of that is true. 

But along with time, it takes acceptance of what your new norm is going to be and who you are becoming because of it.  It takes courage to dedicate the time to take care of you the best way that you can, even in the chaos of your life before things changed and it takes the will to set down the weight of what should be and embrace what can be.

And with that, I have learned, you’ll be stronger than you were before and even stronger than you can ever imagine.

Ask Yourself:

Where do the "should's" feel heavy in my life?  Am I focused more on fear than faith? 

Where can I accept where I am right now, let go of what should be and embrace what can be?

The Day She Wore Her Uppity Pants in the Shower

  I find it funny (not like ha-ha funny, well…sometimes it can be) when my thoughts spin back, bite me in the ass, and I notice it.  You never know when or where it’s going to happen, but when it does, look out.

  I refer to some of these thoughts as my Uppity Pants. You know those uppity, judgy thoughts we have about how someone else should be acting, thinking or handling a situation.  Sometimes those pants can feel real tight and restrictive. Not my favorite kind of pants, know what I mean?

When we say things to ourselves, like, “I wish so-and-so would just ___________ “(insert whatever idea or opinion you think is the right answer)

or something like….

“Omergerd, he/she just doesn’t get it, why doesn’t he just ___________?” (insert your groundbreaking, earthshattering idea or opinion in here that will change the world).

That is when we may or may not be sitting in our Uppity Pants. 

On this particular day, where I was minding my own business (no I wasn’t, but I initially thought I was) I was in the shower, where I do my best thinking.  About everything and everyone. And then it started.

 My thoughts were flitting from one thing to the next, when I had gone back to a conversation from the day before where I had made a comment to my husband about an observation that I had made.  I had bypassed thinking about the conversation and moved right on to analyzing his response.  And my perceptions of his response. And the stories I had created about his response.

Sounds like a good time already, right?  Can you see where this is going?

(It is important to note, that at this point I was still not aware that I may or may not have been wearing Uppity Pants in the damn shower…who wears Uppity Pants in the shower? Bad idea)

Now back to the story…

As I was working myself up into a lather (ha, that’s funny) about how he’s being so such and such, he should notice blah, blah and if he could just see…more hair scrubbing…rinsing…. my brain said…
 

If You Spot it, You Got it

Wait!  What??   There I was, all soapy when it occurred to me that if I can see this or that in him, then I know that this and that is in me.   As they say, we are all mirrors for each other.  So then I asked myself; Could I be acting this way, too? Am I being so such and such?  Should I be noticing certain things, but I am distracted too?  (pants getting tighter) Mmmhhmmm……

 More scrubbing happened, and I think that’s when I may have washed my blinders away because I began to see that I may be thinking and acting the same way, maybe not on that exact issue, but in other key matters.  I could then see where I have had some shortcomings, own them and begin thinking of how I can begin to see things and do things differently.  When I had initially started thinking about the situation, I was pretty annoyed with him and the situation, but now I could begin to see how I could have some understanding for his position and how I would want to be treated in the same situation.

Perhaps you have found yourself in the same situation, well, maybe not in the shower but, perhaps you can relate. My question for you would be; what is it that you can learn about yourself that you can easily spot in others and what do you choose to do about it?  Perhaps in being brave enough to see ourselves in others, we will not only make better choices in our relationships, but also make better choices with and for ourselves.

Can't Find Your Passion? I Know Right Where it is.

It was just a few short years ago that the subject of passion had come up for me.  I was having a hard time finding mine.  Along with my missing passion, I was also looking for my purpose.  And if those two weren’t enough, my mission was missing too.  Damn.  Damn, Damn.  Talk about a wild goose chase that will leave you with just one crooked ass hair on your head.

  I had a great business and my family life was okay, but I felt like I was missing out on something.  I didn’t know what it was and every self-help book that I read kept telling me to go find my passion. The answer would be found when I found my purpose.  They said I needed to have a mission.  Listen, my mission at that point was to get up and juggle everything that needs to be done in a day without forgetting where I was supposed to be and to not forget any of my kids at some sports activity or something. 

It seemed the more I pursued those things, the further away they were from me.  I had no clue how to even begin to find these things.  I spent the majority of my time doing everything for everyone else, how the hell was I supposed to have the time or the inclination to even imagine what I was passionate about. I continued meandering around seeking passion, purpose and mission for a while. Questioning, questioning, questioning.  One answer would come and seem right, but then it would cancel out one of the others or it all just seemed muddy to me. 

Is this really what I want to do with my life?  There’s got to be more, but I don’t know what that looks like. 

Everything is fine, but I would like more happiness; I just don’t know where to look.

 It was so frustrating all the while carrying this feeling of disconnect that I couldn’t explain.  Then I started asking, what the hell is wrong with me?  Why don’t I know this?  Shouldn’t I know this by now?

And then it occurred to me…you’re going to want to write this down, this is a writer-downer…

Passion isn’t something you find…it’s something you do.

Whaaaaaaat?????

All of it…Passion, Purpose, Mission…that’s all something that you do…let me explain.

The moment I let go of chasing the ghost of expectation, is the moment that I could start doing and living those things; rather than expecting them to be something I could find in some dime store bin…like, holy sh*t guys…. look…its passion, I found it!!! Now if I found this here, surely there’s some purpose and mission up in here, let’s keep digging!!!

When I began to live passionately, that’s when I began to feel passion. In my existing biz, I began to become even more passionate about serving my customers.  In the relationships within my family, I began to look for what I could appreciate about them more often, even when they were driving me nuts.   In my relationship with myself, I renewed my commitment to taking care of me…passionately…thereby discovering things about me that I didn’t even know.  I like to nap, who knew?  Never napped before, but I’m doing it like a champion now.  Just little cat naps but, none the less, listening to my body instead of pushing it to the edge like I usually do.

As soon as I decided to look through the lens of life with passion, things felt lighter.  I was living passionately.  Not waiting to find passion somewhere. (I hate waiting, don’t you?) Asking myself how I can be more passionate in my daily interactions, changed how I was looking at things. 

Being more passionate changed daily, mundane tasks into living in a more passionate way.  The second I found myself dreading or resisting a task I would ask; how could I do this more passionately?  With all this passion on my side, I began to connect to and explore my options for what my purpose and mission could be.  I was open to potential, and potential feels a whole lot better than feeling lost, unclear, and frustrated.

Passion among the missing for you?

Focus on what you can like or love in all that you do, build some gratitude into your day and I promise, passion is not very far from there.

What's Better Than Being Right?

As someone with a love for learning and a need for understanding how things work, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of appearing to be a know it all and always needing to be right. At times, that can be a fine line to walk.  For myself, my younger years were spent compiling enough evidence to prove that I didn’t know shiz through my countless mistakes.  My young adult years were spent gathering enough evidence to prove that I was not as dumb as I appeared to be by the actions and choices of my youth.  And as I hit my stride into my middle years, into adulthood, okay, once or twice I tried adulting, I can’t say as I enjoy it that much, but none the less, here I am… I am working hard at not being right, as much as I am working on being helpful and more important than that, I’m working on being happy. 

Recently, I have found myself the subject of other peoples’ need to be right or even worse, their self-righteousness and gossip.  Everything from, “Who does she think she is?” to “Why does everyone think she has the answer for everything?” All the way to the, Jesus quotin’, look, guys, I’m doing the right thing, even though other people don’t know what’s going on and I’m going to talk about it to everyone except the person that can do something about it, person.          

 Don’t be that last person, I know I’m right when I say that’s just not a nice way to be.

True Story. 

 I’ll admit, it’s hard not to get pulled into what other people are saying and doing, especially when its triggering your own need to be right, to defend yourself or even worse, prove someone else wrong.  Who hasn’t been in any of those positions? We’ve all experienced one variation of all of these stories.  When I’ve been caught up in these situations I have found that while I was busy judging the person or the situation, I wasn’t using the opportunity to really understand on a deeper level, I was filling in the blanks with my own thoughts and judgments, and some of the time, they were not “right”, they were so very wrong.  I was missing the opportunity to learn and keeping myself trapped in some narrow ass thinking.

The key is understanding that people are going to do what they are going to do, and truth be told, what they say and do says more about them than it does about you.

 As I fumble around in my middle years, with more of a desire for peace and inner balance than being right, I am learning to ask myself better questions when faced with the decision of how I will react when my need to be right is triggered or when I’m triggered by what others are saying and doing.

Asking yourself questions like: Is it better to be right than to be happy?  Is it better to be right than to protect my inner peace?   If the answer is no, then you will know that you’re on the path to creating the peace that you deserve.

Feeling like you can't keep up? Consider this....

I hate feeling behind...that nagging feeling of trying to catch up or keep up.  I think it’s easy to feel that feeling if you are alive, if you’re human, and especially if you are a woman, a mother or an entrepreneur… I guess it didn’t dawn on me to think about this until I was at the gym the other day.

  I work out with an amazing group of women, some are younger, some are the same age and some are a little bit older.  All fierce by their own right.  As we were deep into a session, I noticed that I had fallen behind in the set and in the reps.  Everyone else was ahead of me.  For a moment I got my knickers in a bunch thinking, “damn it, I’m behind.  I’m never going catch up.  I should be able to keep up with everyone.”

Thankfully that was just the voice of my younger self. Yeah, she’s still in there “shoulding” on me…I should be able to do this or I should be able to do that.  She’s the one that hates falling behind.   I think it began somewhere in the 7th grade, math class maybe, hated it, but that’s a story for another day.

 At times, she can still be pretty critical, but thankfully, my older self knows how to take care of her.  As, immediately after I felt that familiar wave of panic and then me pushing myself to hurry up without thinking things through, I heard my older self say, “But you showed up, you’re still in the game.”

By listening to that voice of reason, I was able to get through the rest of the workout the way that was best for my body, I kept my head in the game and was actually able to bring my personal standard to the next level by adding an extra set rather than throwing in the towel and feeling defeated because I couldn’t keep up with everyone else.

So what do you do when you feel like you can’t keep up…be it in your everyday life, your biz, your job, or your relationships?  Here are a few simple tips that you can help you stay on track…

Acknowledge that you showed up in the first place

How many times have you talked yourself out of something with some tired ass excuse when you know you could’ve just shown up and done the work?  Who hasn’t done that?  With that said, that absolutely isn’t the quickest way to getting to what you want.  Actually that is moving in the opposite direction of where you want to be.  Every single time we show up for ourselves, in the best way that we can, we start to build different kinds of muscles, some of the most essential muscles, ones that only we, ourselves, can build… self-discipline, self-confidence and self-esteem.

Starey-Comparey leads to lack of focus

Quit looking around at everyone else!! A mentor had once said to me, “Swim in your own lane.”  That was one of the best pieces of advice I had ever been given.  While I was busy looking at everyone else, I was losing focus on where I was supposed to be.  My form was a mess, my breathing off and I was not connected to what I was trying to achieve…I was just hurrying through the motions.  Think of a time when you were looking at what others were doing and feeling behind or like you were losing out…maybe in your work or relationships; how focused and connected were you to what YOU were doing?  Probably not much, right?  Keep your eyes in your own lane, focus on your objective and see yourself through.

Be Present

Being present is key to not feeling behind.  If you are focused behind you, you’ll never catch up and if you are focused too far ahead, you’ll worry that you’ll never achieve what you set out to do.  Staying right in the moment and actually enjoying where you are right now is such a great gift to give yourself.  It takes practice but after time, you will begin to see that you can tune in automatically.  Once I shifted my focus back onto the fact that I showed up, I slowed myself down, had more compassion for myself and was able dig down deep and kick my own ass appropriately :) After all, that’s what I showed up to do.

Remember, we can decide how we show up to the things that we are doing.  Choose wisely.   

Big, big hugs to you!

There is a lot to be learned by keeping quiet and listening

There are so many similarities between me and my 13-year-old daughter. And at times, we couldn’t be more opposite...okay well, most of the time we are opposite, but when things do line up, I am able to understand a bit more about her and a little more about me. With our hormones raging in the exact same way, our stubborn thickheadedness and our tendency of both needing to have the last word, things can be a little interesting to say the very least. (interesting is the nice word for loud and screechy, like in a herd of screaming monkeys, kind of way…just in case you didn’t know)

While we were out eating breakfast this morning, it was one of those rare moments where there was an easy exchange of conversation, laughing, joking and understanding.  It was also one of those very rare moments where I just shut up and listened.  As she was describing the latest drama, her thoughts of the upcoming school year, where she was going and what she was hoping for, I couldn’t help but see that some of the things she was sharing were some of the exact things that I am dealing with too.   

 There is this part of me that doesn’t know the exact right thing to do with drama either.  I too, like to work things out in my head about what I think will happen down the road and I’m still hoping for what seems almost impossible to come to fruition for me, as well.

 As she was talking, I was thinking about how I have handled some of the same situations and could see how strong and caring she really is, even though on the outside it seems that she is unaffected and it reminded me of how I have dealt with some of these types of situations.

There are times that I will not share how things or people are affecting me, afraid to share my feelings on the outside, worried about what ripple effect I may cause by saying something.  And here she was sharing the same feelings, but instead she had been weighing out the cause and effect that she would be having and whether or not it even mattered to her to say or do something about it.  In two sentences she had summed up the art of letting go.  She thought it through and it really didn’t mean that much to her to carry on with it…done, finite-oh!! Just like that.

So there is a lot to be learned by keeping quiet and listening. Firstly, while we may be years apart, some days, we really do have some of the same things going on (a little more than our crazy hormones) Hell, it seems we all have some of these things going on.  I think that truly is a human thing, as opposed to an age thing. And sometimes we worry/stress out about saying or doing the right thing, for ourselves and others. Be it dealing with drama, anticipating upcoming changes in our lives or dreaming about the future.  But the importance of weighing out what meaning you are giving things, what that means to you personally and what affect your behavior and words have on you and/or someone else is key. Once you’ve done all of those things, the path to letting go and moving forward becomes a lot clearer.  

Are you focused on the right "F" word?

  Recently I caught myself in an old pattern that really used to keep me stuck.  I hate being stuck. I really do. I know that we all worry at one time or another, we’re human, but a very common pattern for me would be to struggle into my worry pants right at bed time.

That’s right.  Right at bedtime, that’s exactly what I need. 

It’s not something that I consciously think about; in fact, it drives me out of my mind, as typically I have a limited number of hours to get some sleep and here my brain is creating a bunch of shit to worry about.  Seriously, couldn’t we have addressed all of these imagined scenarios of how everything is not going to work out and how everyone is suffering immensely and I can’t do a damn thing about it during the day, when I’m a bit more rational?  Which takes me to the “F” word or the other “F” word I should say.

On this night, I happened to let this power session of imagined calamity go on for twenty minutes before it dawned on me that I was focusing on the wrong “F” word (and not the “F” word you would think, well, that was there too, but it was not the one that had my primary focus.)  I knew I was getting caught up in stacking my thoughts, one on top of the other, with each thought heavier than the last.  That’s when it occurred to me that I was focusing on fear and not on faith. Faith is a funny thing when you’re busy worrying. It’s almost like its nowhere to be found.  But eventually it all gets too heavy and you just can’t hold on anymore.  It was right then that I decided to just put it all down for a minute to gather my thoughts.  I’m not sure what your beliefs are, God, Higher Power, Universe, whatever it may be, for me the thought of physically handing this big ole bag o’ worry over to someone else to hold, sure does help.  Like “here, can you hold this for a minute, I’m kinda losing my shit right now?”  

 In that moment I could see that that act takes a certain amount of faith. Faith that I’m not alone. Faith that the answer will come. Faith in myself. Faith in those around me. Faith that I will be taken care of and so will whomever I was worrying about.  That things are as they should be right now.   As I began stacking these thoughts, I could see that faith was the better word to focus on.

  Truth of the matter is; we have the same amount of faith in us as we do fear.  It’s just a matter of which “F” word you choose to focus on. 

As soon as I shifted my focus I could feel the pressure lighten up a bit, I could take that snowball thinking and quickly switch it over to gratitude, which was what I really needed at the time.  Sometimes when we are stressed and so busy doing all the time or when we are tired and our guard is down, we forget to remember that those things are there for us too.

What do you do when your worry pants become too tight?  (You know you wear them too) What do you focus on first and how do you lighten it up?  Let’s discuss in the comments below. I would love to hear about what’s working or not working for you.

When your own excuses just don't work anymore.

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Here we are.

The time has come. I'm blogging, mah people (cue up the band and maniacal dancing)

This was such a long time in the making.  Looking back over the last few years, I sometimes wonder, what took me so long to get here? What was the big deal?  And other times, I can see the work that I needed to do within myself and my business to be able to step into this space confidently. 

If I’m being honest, the real answer is most days it was easier to hide. Perfection has a way of grinding everything to a halt sometimes.  Getting caught up in my stories of self-doubt, lack of knowing how to do things and distraction, just reinforced my inaction.  But there comes a time where you can start to see that your own stories just don’t jive anymore.  Enough growth has taken place that you can see right through it all and your own excuses just don’t work anymore.  The time comes where you have to kick all that stuff aside, figure it all out and just get down to doing the work.

So here I am, imperfectly me.  Sharing pieces of my life, my thoughts, inspirations, strategies and tools in hopes of walking beside you in this beautiful, and sometimes messy thing called life.  We're all in this together.

Let’s see where this adventure will take us…shall we?